today is a friends b-day but unfourtely he cannot celbrate it cuz he died on this very day on his b-day. and he the only one that every care about me and was my only friend and understood me and didn't hate me for ne reason. the only person that love me and he prove it and everything. he never got mad at me for all the cutting and drinking i did cuz he was a cutter and a drinker and he understood why i cut and drank all the time. he was also suicidal just like me and we both have been through and whole lot of shit when we were growing up and everything. i love him sooo much and he was the only person that saw other sides of me that no one else saw cuz i'm always depressed around them. but when i was with Chris i was always happy and i didn't feel ne depression. but when i wasnt with him i was cutting all the time hurting myself in ne way i could. and the next time i would see him he wouldn't get mad at me for my new cuts or ne thing i said. and he also knew i have really bad anger problems. sometimes i would yell at him or hit and he wouldn't get mad or tell me to stop all he would say was just let ur anger out on me it will make u feel better. he was everything to me and i was everything to him nothing was going to seprate us at all no matter wat. one day we made a promise that when i was 18 and he was 21 we would going to do something together and no one was going to stop us from doing it cuz no one care bout us xcpet us. he only care for me and i was the only one that care for me and that was it. we were nothing to the world we were just worthless humans in the world that had nothing to live for and had no one. but when we became of age we were going to wat we promise each other. now i'm 18 and today he's 21 and our promise was going to come true a week after today. but instead 7 yrs ago he died, and now our promise cannot not be made together. but i will keep my promise i made to him 7yrs ago even if its without him. i will do it so we can be together forver again. but now i'm still thinking if i want to keep the promise cuz my boyfriend that i'm with now reminds me soo much of Chris and no one is suppose to. Chris was the only one for me, the only one that love me and understood me and meant everything to me. but my boyfriend is soo much like Chris everything about him reminds me about Chris the only thing the different is that my boyfriend doesn't want me to die and tells me to stop hurting myself each time he sees me with all my cuts. just like with Chris i tell my boyfriend everything that happens to me and i promise him that i would tell him when something was really wrong and he would listen. he wouldn't judge me ne other way and wouldnt say the stupid shit everyone else says to me he listens then talks to me. when i was thinking of Chris and what happen those 7 yrs ago i remember wat he said to me that i block out of memory since his death. he said "i hope one day you'll find someone that would be everything to you like i was to and that this person will help you like i did" Chris said that to me 4 days before his b-day when he died. and now i just remember it and then thinking is my boyfriend the one Chris was talking about 7 yrs ago saying that my boyfriend was going to be everything for me. when i think about this and everything else all i think about is my boyfriend going to do the samething Chris did to me 7 yrs ago or is Chris saying my boyfriend is actually going to stick with me through everything and help me like Chris did. my boyfriend is the only that doesn't hate me and loves me and i know he does. i love my boyfriend dearly i dont want ne thing bad to happen to him, but everytime i think and say i want nothing bad happing to my boyfriend i say to myself but i feel like i'm the one hurting him which is a bad thing happing to him. i'm always cutting and drinking so why did my boyfriend choose me to be his girlfriend. i'm not the perfect girl to be with. so why did he choose me out of all the other wonderful girls out there in the world. how did someone like me get pick out of the others. i've always wanted to ask him that but i've been to afarid dont know why though. well im happy to be with my boyfriend and love him dearly! but i have to keep my promise to Chris that i made with him 7 yrs ago even though he's dead doesn't mean i can't keep our promise it just means that we wont do it together. so sometime this year i have to complete the promise i made to Chris and i know no one going to stop me once i have the perfect plan which i haven't thought yet but it will happen. ja ne

RIP
Chris

~Forbidden Moon Child of Darkness

2day is xmas so merry xmas to all hope all your's were better then mine. my parents yell at me and my sister pissed me off. i like my gifts and everything but i hated it with my famliy i fuckin hate them i want all of them to die cuz all they do it piss me off and don't fuckin care at all. nothing else has really change still drinking and cutting out of anger and depression. i don't really have ne thing else 2 say really and this is probably my shortest entry yet so ja ne

~Forbidden Moon Child of Darkness

everyone thinks i have no feelings so they all yell at me or say shit in front of me that isn't nice or w/e. so once i leave everyone even my own famliy, i go in my room with the lights off my music blaring loud, sit on my bed then crying. crying for hours and no one cares that i cry sometimes i have cried in front of some friends and family and they don't do anything they just bascially ingore me and just start a converstaion with someone ingoreing the fact that i'm crying. no one has help or care for me since forever. everyone rather have me died like that friends i lost because they weren't really my friends cuz they all said it was all my fuckin fault that i was fucked up and everything i did was hurting them all and i didn't care bout them or anything. how could i not care about them when i was with them through their hard times in their life does that mean i dont care if i was with them through everything. then when i left my old high school to go to another high school. they all said its my fault that i don't care my fault that i hurt others and myself. the only things the are really my own fault is my drinking and cutting that the only things that are really my fault and i admit to that. but they saying i don't care when i was with them and trying to make things better for them. thanks a whole lot saying i never care and everything was my fault for no fuckin reason. i feel so better and happy when u all fuckin said that to me. ever since they say that i still hear their voices in my head saying it to me. why do people think i'm cold-hearted when i was with them all for about everything that happen to them. a few of them would say even worse things then the others saying if i look at someone they would die in a horrible death or that i always kill someone just for the hell of it and other things that pissed me off but inside it hurt so much that i cried after i left and went in my room. everytime i'm in room i'm usually crying or cutting myself up sometimes i would sneak in my wine and start drinking and sometimes finsihing the bottle. i already heard from my mom and my therapist that its my own fault for letting things bother me and all this other shit. why can't they leave me the hell alone they don't fuckin care in first fuckin place it fuckin pretend. all i do with my therapist is lie to her cuz she doesn't want to help me and is prentening to care like she my friend or something. well i've said more they i usaually say so ja ne

~Forbidden Moon Child of Darkness

well things with me famliy still isn/'t working out so i'm staying with a friend over winter break but i'll come back for xmas eve, xmas day and my b-day but other then that i'm with my friend at her place. i know i havent update in a while but shit keeps happing 2 me not like i care ne more. my friend and everyone else keeps saying i'm running away from all my problems i know i am and i like it that way i can't deal with my problems not ne more since i'm mentally unstable and emotional unstable so wat the fuck am i suppose 2 do. but i turn 18 in about a week and 4 days and that's when i'm going into groups for my anger ande emotional problems. also when school starts again i'm getting withdrawl from skool so i can get my g.e.d since they treat me like shit and they said i coulde gruadate this year but they lied they want me 2 stay for another fuckin yr that not going 2 happen at all i fuckin hate them i hope they all burn a slowly burning death. ne way ja ne

~Forbidden Moon Child of Darkness

there really nothing really in this horrible disgusting world for me ne more. i have nothing 2 live by or ne thin. everyone just seem 2 treat me horrible and says "go fuckin kill yourself" that basically what i hear all the time at skool. my rents can care less about me all they do is yell at me for bout everythin it pisses me off all the time. i'm usually depressed or pissed off but it varys. i'm cutting again and drinking more than i usual do. the only coping skill is cutting and drinking nothing else seems 2 matter. also i don't fuckin care about my famliy i just want 2 kill all of them. which i'm trying 2 do. trying 2 find a death spell 2 kill my famliy i really don't fuckin care ne more i'm tired of all this shit its like i dont matter to ne one i'm not important ne more. so i'm still suicidal and becoming homcidal again. when i was younger i was also trying 2 kill my lil sister by choking her. rite now i just wanna kill someone cuz i already hurt myself so no i need 2 kill someone. i think i've said enough and srry for not putting up another post early in the month oh well ne way ja ne

~Forbidden Moon Child of Darkness